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Master Fic List

(gen) "Vera Steine" (typewriter)
Master list is in order of appearance. Any warning(s) will be in the header of the story. Rating system by demotu , and explained here.
Last Updated: 13/02/2013
[ Hawaii Five-0 | Glee | AWZ | Sherlock | Merlin | EastEnders | Torchwood | other ]

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My absence is explained!

AWZ Deniz "I need a HUG"
I was absent for a while becuase eumelia came to stay with me! We had an awesome time and crammed the days full of art and train journeys and cities and food. I had promised to feed her All The Food, which I did, and she managed to eat almost all of it, which was pretty talented.

On the first day, we saw parliament and a palace (monarchy ftw!), ate a stroopwafel, went to the miniature city before we finished off at the beach, where we had Dutch pancakes and ice cream for dessert, which I spilled on my shoes. I'm nothing if not classy, people :).

We went to Amsterdam next, saw the Rijksmuseum and the Nightwatch, went to the Anne Frank house (we had to queue for an hour, but it was worth it.) We saw Dam Square, another palace, lots and lots of touristy shops, but I promised to save eumelia from the clutches of key chain clog sales people, so we avoided those.

We were pretty beat after two intense days, so we did Delft lite, seeing a Delft Blue pottery place (where Mel bought Delft Blue clog earrings, complete with certificate) and we saw a Vermeer exhibition that didn't have paintings but lots of history about him, and then we sprawled at home.

On Wednesday we met Marliesanna from twitter in Utrecht, where we had the traditional Dutch three egg lunch which Mel managed to eat in its entirety by skipping breakfast, before we went to Amsterdam again to tackle the Van Goghmuseum, where we saw the famous sunflowers and other pretty paintings, and Mel bought more earrings.

Thursday we did nothing in the morning and in the afternoon kilawater came to visit because she and Mel wanted to meet after hearing me talk about each other, and they hit it off and we chatted and played games and then Mel packed and this morning we went to the airport and I was creeped out by the soldiers with the Massive Guns (which, wtf) at the El Al check-in desk. We were apparently very early so we breakfasted before we had to say goodbye and then I cried my eyes out when I got home. Managed not to embarrass myself on the train, thankfully, but now the flat is lonely and empty-ish, which is very strange.

Still alive!

AWZ Ingo "this is my calm face"
Well, still coughing my lungs out but the misery is much less. If it goes on for much longer, I'll consult my GP, but I'm not suffering, so it's all good.

My therapist may have had a point about me needing more breaks, I'm not telling. I'm trying to get my flat in order for when eumelia comes over on Saturday, and well. It may be a bit of a mess. Again, I'm not telling. But I'll be showing her my city and not be going to work in the mean time, which will be great. Three more shifts before freeeedooommmm!

Oh! I've been watching Borgen, which is indeed Europe's answer to The West Wing, albeit a bit slower and with more women. Also, continental European, which means everything actually makes sense and everyone has lives that look like mine! It's strangely fun when that happens. But I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it yet.

Work is... I have a love-hate relationship with super sales. On the one hand, it makes selling easy and more fun, keeps the pace high, etc. On the other hand, the logistical management is a nightmare. Equally, every time my manager goes on holiday I'm reminded why I like being the assistant manager rather than the one where the buck stops. It's not that I can't hack it, it's that I don't enjoy that part of the job. Certainly not when there's invariably a crisis (or three) to deal with, or I uncover a fraud five minutes before the end of my shift, or I have to correct other people's errors... etcetera. It's easier when there's someone you can hand some things off to, or at least talk it over with. Manager away while the super sales are on? Yeah.

But, this too shall end! And then I'll be taking eumelia to the mini city, we'll eat stroopwafels (local biscuit/delicacy), and we'll stare at all the old buildings like palaces and houses of parliament. It shall be glorious.

Freight Shift!

H50 Danny "my brain hurts"
a.k.a. one of those days I attempt to persuade my body it's really normal to get up at six am for no good reason other than that I must earn a living and this is my career now. Whyyyyyyy? I wanna sleep.

Yes, I whine about this every time. But instead of a cookie, I'll give you some gifs to make it worth your while.

You see, this would make it worth my while:
Steve -- random appearance, walking nngh

But do I get that? Noooo. I roughly resemble this:
animals -- kitten miaowing

...and this...
cat SAIL!

...and this.
Danny -- colour -- snagging coffee 2.19

This was this week's edition of my life in .gif form, thank you for playing and good night er, morning. Urgh.

Still alive.

H50 Steve
Now also in sneezing and congested stage of infestation, but at least less trying to turn myself inside out while coughing. Mind you, cough medicine has the most disgusting name (mucodyne, really?) and tastes like flavoured paint thinner (or how I would imagine paint thinner tastes), but it works, so I forgive them these failures. My therapist chided me gently for showing up in my congested state and took the opportunity to talk about self-care. Hmph, yes, she may have a point there.

Here, have a gif, because I'm out of witticisms or thinky thoughts.

Steve -- emo blink

Assorted liquorice.

H50 Danny "my brain hurts"
I heard about Amazon's antics and can't decide whether to laugh or cry. Needless to say, I shan't be engaging in it, for starters because I believe in the gift economy of fandom, but also because their arbitrary censorship guidelines are something I won't fit my work to. In fact, I'm more inclined than ever not to be an Amazon customer as a result of this.

Another place I'm not a customer of? Facebook. (Trigger warning for that link.) And happy not to be so, but kudos to Friedman et al. for coming up with a viable strategy to fight back against such a giant corporation.

In more personal news, I have a throat infection and am trying to hack up a lung. Fun times. On the positive side, I have the next six days off, so I shan't bother anyone while hacking up said lung. I have meds, so I shan't croak, but I shall be cranky because I hate being sick. (And yes, I was sick a week ago. I needed that time off, clearly.) Now while my immune system is mocking me with a silent snigger, I shall be over here, cranky and looking at pictures of kittens. And Steve McGarrett.

Now that we're back, some housekeeping.

H50 Chin
I was affected by the LJ outage, but am back and restored! This means all my fic can be read again, but one unlucky reader got stuck on chapter 11 of the art of leaving and saying goodbye, and I was unable to refer her to a mirror site as the fic is only hosted here.

Now, since I still don't like the AO3/OTW sufficiently to crosspost there, I've decided to go back to mirroring this space on DreamWidth. Therefore, I will periodically import the journal (I'm currently waiting in the queue), and should LJ go down or become inaccessible for you, dear readers, for some reason, you can hop over there. Please note this is not a real time mirror and the DW journal won't function as an alternative space if you prefer it over there.

Due to the automatic nature of DW imports, all links will refer you back to LJ, so you will have to navigate by tags, and not by the master list that's there, but I hope that this minor inconvenience is still better than nothing.

As for me, if not available via LJ, I can be reached @ twitter, at WordPress, on Tumblr, at Goodreads, and of course, at verasteine (at) gmail (dot) com. LiveJournal and Twitter are still my primary homes as I have a fraught relationship with Tumblr (let's face it, it's pretty, but otherwise I hate it) and only use WordPress for the non-fannish things.

Woman's issue

H50 Rachel
Question: anyone ever get hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar) while on their period? It's the second time it's happened to me in six months, and while I'm not unfamiliar with blood sugar crashes, these were both so extreme they made me very ill. We're talking extreme cramps, nausea, walking up and down the stairs made me have to lie down, shallow breathing, etc.

Now it doesn't greatly concern me because addressing the issue makes it go away after a few hours, and by evening I was fine, if tired, but I don't get blood sugar drops that strongly at any other time, and both times it was on the first day of my period, I had been eating sufficiently (yesterday it happened an hour after lunch, ffs), and I had no particular other issues.

I don't get it every period and if it becomes more frequent I'll have it looked at, obviously, but I'm just wondering if it's a coincidence or if people know this as a side effect of having your period?
H50 Steve "wtf?"
My brain pulled an energizer bunny on me last night, wide awake, bouncing around like it wasn't night at all:

Squirell spinning in bowl

I tried every trick I know to get it to relax and go to sleep, but nooooooo. Nothing worked, until I realised three a.m. was approaching on the clock with no end in sight, I took a pill and that knocked me out for a few hours.

My god, brain, why?? It's not like you don't need sleep, on the contrary, you need it more than ordinary humans, so why this energetic fest? It's an aspect of my mind I'll never quite understand.

And the advice generally given to insomniacs --if you are not at all sleepy, get up and do other things-- is dangerous because I am, to my horror when discovering this, perfectly capable of falling asleep standing up (and then falling over) ten minutes after not feeling sleepy at all. So no, better not.

I'm seriously happy science has invented knock out sleeping pills, though.

Sleeeeeeeeep.

H50 Steve eyebrows
I live in a very noisy place with noisy neighbours, which is fine until they're noisy at one in the morning (I went to her door three times, but she keeps it down for a week and then starts back up again) so I needed a solution. I discovered the joys of extension cords for ear buds, so I can enjoy my tv at whatever volume without anyone else being bothered, and without noise from outside bothering me, and I discovered that the world has invented super-soft sleep earplugs, little green torpedo shaped things that crinkle and expand in your ear when you put them in.

Heaven.

Of course, my brain has now decided this means it will sleep deeper, and dream. Every. Fucking. Night. This would be less annoying if it weren't for the fact that it hasn't done that with this regularity since I first got insomnia at twenty, and if it wasn't the most unoriginal brain ever that likes to be really obvious in turning my daytime stresses into nighttime adventures. Mind you, it doesn't invent nightmares, just the sort of dreams where you relive things and go, "Thanks. I didn't need that," in the morning, only half remembered, etc. It's probably just me, though. Other people would be grateful for what is clearly deeper sleep, huh? :P

I must update my .gif collection, but even so, I have just worked a three day weekend and thanks to the coronation and Jesus ascending to heaven once upon a time, I have the next five days off. Glorious. I shall be like so:

Baby meerkat stretching on log
H50 Danny isn't sure about this
(Though thankfully not like my parents.)

Supermarket price hikes. I know the economy sucks and shit, dude, I work in it, it didn't escape my notice, but WTF price hikes?! I remember when price hikes meant five cents extra on my fave chocolate bar, but I'm seeing price hikes on ordinary groceries like juice and cheese of 20, 30, and even 50 cents.

A little background: I live in a big city, at the edge of downtown, which is not a cheap area but cheaper than some (and certainly cheaper than the suburbs, which I can't afford at all.) In the city, there is one major supermarket chain dominating the place -- my local shopping street, not of extraordinary length, sports three(!) of its branches; downtown, where I work, it sports another three within one street. The only alternative in my local street is a super expensive organic supermarket; downtown, two organic supermarkets and one M&S style fresh market in a department store are the only competition.

These price hikes are pushing my grocery bill up by euros at a time, euros that I have in a pinch but means I must cut back on other things, things I also enjoy and would like to spend money on. For financial reasons, I either pick up groceries within walking distance or when I've already travelled somewhere (say, to work), which limits my access to grocery stores overall. I have to be in the suburbs once every two weeks, where there are affordable, ordinary supermarkets, but I'm limited by what I can carry (don't have a car) and by what will keep for two weeks.

All of this before I get started on the fact that I am single, paid well enough that I have some money left over at the end of the month, reasonably mobile, usually in sufficient spoons to take care of basic tasks, and able to spot these price hikes and compare. I dread to think the effect this has on the elderly, disabled people, the poor, etc.

All of this also before I get started on the fact that the cheapest way too feed yourself is on calorie rich food with little to no nutritional value, whereas the so oft touted and much lauded "healthy foods" are well out of the price range of anyone shopping on a budget. (Example: apple juice now costs me 1.01 p/1l, while I can buy cola from the same brand at 0.99 p/1.5l, while sliced white bread sets me back 0.69 for half a loaf, sliced brown bread with seeds just cost me 1.08 in the cheap supermarket. Don't get me started on the cost of fresh vegetables or meat. Fuck your health craze.)

I can afford a few luxuries, I can afford to try and save up to buy a flat, I can afford to buy the occasional novel and take the tram to work instead of biking. I'd like to keep being able to afford those things, especially since nothing will send the economy down the drain faster than people who have no money to spend.

So yeah, I'm becoming middle aged. Though thankfully not middle class.

In the interest of full disclosure, I was born and raised suburban white middle class, and that's not an upbringing you can truly escape.

Dear Customer,

H50 Steve "wtf?"
When you walk into my shop five minutes (or even less) before closing, and the closing times are both the same city wide and clearly posted, you better be fucking grateful if I let you in. In fact, the only condition on which I'll let you in is that you already know what you need, and you just need to fetch it and pay.

Anyone who dislikes this policy, or stops me midway through the fetching-and-paying process to ask a question after all, turn out to need more things, or start a fucking conversation about the weather or the state of the Phillipines (no, really!) had better understand you feel my wrath in the form of a sternly worded, "Excuse me, but you'll have to come back tomorrow. No, really, we are closing. No, I will not sell you something else. Goodnight."

You see, I don't get paid overtime. So unless (and I have made this exception a few times) you make it clear you want to spend an obscene amount of money that means my lack of paid overtime is compensated by a heap of commission, I'm not going to be nice. I might smile, but I'm not going to be nice.

This is because you are rude. Now go away.

Adventures in grocery shopping.

H50 "great a room full of people"
Things not to do after a super busy day at work: make withdrawals from the ATM, apparently. Instead of going for 'choose amount' my finger went for 'quick withdrawal' and I got way too much money that was earmarked for my rent.

Yeah, thankfully I have savings and live in the modern age of online banking, so it's no great drama even though the first of the month is coming up (when my rent needs paying) and I don't get paid monthly and thus I'm nearly out of money. Yeah.

Self, you do manage to fail at adulthood. This just makes me wonder if my parents did these sorts of things and simply didn't share their embarrassment with me (very likely) or that they always had enough money and therefore it wouldn't mean a major deal to them if they did (most likely.)

Also, bizarrely, the supermarket started closing while I was still in it and now I can't tell if they changed their opening hours or if I never shop there on Sundays. Twilight zone moment. Either way, it seemed bizarre since the place was absolutely jam packed with shoppers and the queues were gigantic, but it's badly run as it is and just suffers from having no competition that can afford to sit in the biggest shopping street downtown.

They were, by the way, still out of my favourite cheese and I had to settle for store brand, which is less yummy and more expensive, but I have a lunch guest coming over tomorrow so I couldn't not buy cheese. I'm just sharing this because it's one of those annoyances that a captive shopper suffers from.

Don't get me started on price hikes. (Who pays €1.60 for a litre of grape juice? Who are you people? We should all take a stand, for serious.)

Apr. 27th, 2013

(gen) "Wow are you stupid!"
BBC News this morning starts on some twaddle about the importance of breast feeding, goes on to say, "But there is another, important thing women can do to ensure their newborn's health."

Okay, nice scaremongering there. What is it?

Actually, the report/discussion is on a medical study suggesting the umbilical cord shouldn't be cut as soon as it is. And they're not really sure about it to begin with.

So what the fuck does this have to do with women giving birth? Nada. it's about doctors.

I think I'm getting feminism fatigue. I give up.

H50 ep 3.20: I'm out.

H50 Steve
This won't be a great surprise to most, but for now, I'm done with this show. I don't know if I'll come back to it or not, whether I'll watch the end of the season some other time, but for now, I have to quit watching something that is just making me unhappy.

It's no great secret that I'm a Steve/Danny shipper and it's not great secret that I'm a Steve girl, and I can't watch this show if Steve/Cath is so obviously the end game. I tried to like Cath, I tried to live with the character as part of the cast, but I'm done. The actress playing her didn't help herself by vicariously insulting me and my friends, and Lenkov's tacit endorsement didn't help, either. I don't know if that changed anything for me, but it happened, and well.

If this makes me sexist, then I'm sexist. I don't want Steve dating someone who is present all the time. I like procedurals because they usually don't have this. I don't like my leading man with a woman unless I'm fannish about that pairing, and I don't know, if that's sexism, I'm sexist, because I can't change how I feel. I tried; it isn't happening. So for now, I'm out.

Anyone for whom I was betaing: I've no problem betaing anything that doesn't have Cath in it, but I obviously won't be up to date with canon past 3.20. It's your own call; I'll understand completely if you prefer to go with someone else.

I have and will be doing some unfollowing on twitter/tumblr, just for my own peace of mind. In a few weeks, or after the finale or something, I'll probably pop back in and reconnect. I'll also come back online in gchat this week, though I might hug my red status for a bit; if you'd like to talk to me, just send me an email or poke me, and I'll probably be around. I'm sorry, guys. I really thought I'd be here till the end, but I didn't see this coming.

Today is apparently World Autism Day...

(gen) "we hate all the same people"
Since five minutes on twitter's hashtags on this topic made me feel like people were talking about me without consulting me, consider this my contribution.

Wanna know about autism? Ask away. I can't tell you what everyone with the disorder experiences, but I can tell you what it's like for me. Or we can talk about the weather or your favourite flowers or something, that's okay, too. As long as I don't have to see any more "helpful" people talking to families whose relatives "suffer" from it.
H50 Steve "orange doesn't become me"
Remember when I got promoted? Like, six months ago now (September 21st, because I remember everything in my life based on a fannish calendar.) Anyways. I got promoted, and I moved branches because no one who is trained in a branch can be promoted within its hierarchy, with good reason, so I moved. Well, I had some issues with the Boss, culminating in a long conversation and a Plan, but I never really got enthusiastic about it.

The team I inherited was a difficult bunch, and I never really got them to perform well. Staff management isn't my strong suit (dude, autistic here) and the things I am good at, the number crunching, the efficiency, the myriad of paperwork we're required to file, are the same thing Boss was good at (minus the efficiency, my god.) Both the team and he made me feel at times like I was a nagging mother trying to get them to clean their rooms, which they would then do for two weeks and lose interest again. I never really got to do all the things I wanted to do when I started there, and over time, I let things slide and dropped the ball.

It helps not to do so in front of your supervisor, and then follow that up the next week with doing it in front of the company CEO.

Yeah. Oops. My supervisor already asked me what I thought of my job and when I wasn't one hundred percent enthusiastic about it, she wanted to know why. I indicated some of my problems and she asked me what I wanted her to do about it, and I said, transfer me or him. We're never going to be a stellar team, we don't have matching strengths. She said she'd think about it and take it into account in the next round of reorganisations, scheduled six months from now.

Yeah, that's not what happened. Instead I was asked to come in early last week Thursday, and, typical of Boss, he didn't tell me why or anything, so I blithely walked in to a meeting with him and our supervisor utterly unprepared. Thankfully, I don't intimidate easily, so I managed to hold my own throughout the "I'm disappointed in your performance" conversation that we had. (I liked the way he slouched in his seat the whole time and didn't contribute much. This is on par with the feedback I've had from him the whole six months I've worked for him.) Since I was disappointed in my own performance, I wasn't surprised. What I was surprised by was the supervisor's announcement. "I'm going to transfer you," she said, "on March 24th."

Oooookay. That's unexpected.

But, here's the kicker. I'm going back to my old job, only with my new job title and pay and conditions. There's a new boss in charge there, and she and I having matching strengths (she's terrible at paperwork and efficiency, fabulous at staff management and training.) We had a meeting on the same day I got the news and she said all kinds of sensible things that I agreed with. I told her not to be shy about criticism and that I wanted to learn, and my old team is already making noises about being happy to have me back (the half of it that's still there from when I left, mind.) So I'm actually really excited about this change, even though, well, I screwed up and that's not, generally, a good thing. It's made me realise, though, that I'd been shifting my boundaries and standards because I was tired of the nagging mother role it pushed me into, and made me realise how much Boss was just not giving a fuck about what I said or what he needed to do for me.

Oh, bonus point: there was one person in the old team whom I hated, and she hated me. We were always polite to each other, but we've tried to get each other demoted, etc. So I mentioned that that might be a conflict, and supervisor said, "Oh, I'm transferring her too. I thought you two used to work together and would maybe collude against the new manager. But you don't get along? What a surprise." Oh, woman, how little you know me. Then again, once upon a time, you judged me by the Nuts bar I ate, so. I don't hold you in that high esteem, but I will smile and wave.

This in lieu of your usual service.

IL Hathaway/Lewis warrant cards
I've lately been rewatching Judging Amy. I'm sure some people on here will be too young to remember that show, while for others it's a dim memory, but anyway. It aired during that glorious time in the 90s when everything was okay and nothing hurt, the time I grew up in and will forever secretly long for. It was also very feminist. It has lines like, "It's not the education of women that's going to change the problem of rape. It's the education of young men." (ep 1.20) This is the sort of show that makes me gush about the 90s (yes, I'll stop now.)

It also had the following exchange, which I tripped unhappily over the other day:
Vincent: "You're gonna hug me now, aren't you?"
Donna nods.
Vincent: "Please don't."
Donna smiles and hugs him.

What is with that? Is it because he's a guy, and so it's okay? He's even posited as a "sensitive" guy, and I remember liking his character when watching it the first time around, but he utterly annoys me now because he revolves primarily around his manpain. Anyways.

My point is this: hugging and unwanted touch are part of overriding people's bodily integrity and consent. Usually, it happens because the hugger doesn't ask and the huggee doesn't say, "Please don't touch me," but in this case, that had actually been said out loud. And yet we weren't meant to see this exchange as inappropriate.

I'm a woman. I'm used to having to be outspoken in order to get what I want, because men will override what I say when it doesn't suit their interests or ideas for me. But the idea that all of us exist in some sort of permanent state of, "yes, it's okay to touch me unless I fight you off," is pervasive and disturbing.

H50 ep 3.18

H50 Steve
I don't really have the ability to be impartial about this ep, so I'll only say this: I enjoyed Doris and Steve. That's all.